Relationship Abuse: Teen Love Doesn’t Have to Hurt

Meghan opened her cell phone to find that all her text messages had been erased.

She shuddered fearing the confrontation with her boyfriend, who had done this before. They had been dating for four months, and things had surely changed from when they first met. At first he made her happy, and she was delighted to be seen in public with him. Now, she hardly spoke with her friends, and her entire day was consumed by school, work and spending time with him. She had thoughts of ending the relationship but dismissed them in fear of his reaction.

Relationship abuse exists across all ages, races and ethnicities, sexual orientation and socioeconomic status. Boston researchers wrote in the Journal of the American Medical Association that dating violence affects one in five teen girls. Dating abuse takes many forms, from obvious acts of physical aggression inflicted by one partner on the other, to more subtle forms of coercion and control.

“Romantic relationships can become abusive without there ever being physical aggression, and partners may find themselves in a relationship filled with distress and not recognize it as abusive,” says Felipe Amunategui, PhD, a child psychologist at Rainbow Babies & Children’s Hospital.

“The keys to managing dating abuse are to recognize it early and respond decisively. Both parent and child play an important role in recognizing and responding to an abusive relationship.”


A relationship marked by mistrust, intense displays of negative emotions, jealousy, accusations of cheating and other forms of interactions intended to isolate an individual probably indicates abuse. The teen may fear speaking to others because of her partner’s reaction. A parent observing interactions like these has reason for concern and should intervene.

Parents should not be afraid to ask questions, request to meet their child’s date or get to know their child’s partner and his family.

Should parents notice their child experiencing recurrent emotional distress associated with a romantic relationship, open the lines of communication around the subject.

“If your child has already considered ending the relationship, but hasn’t, for example, ask her to explain her reasons for not doing so, and try to understand,” says Dr. Amunategui. “Offer your support to act as a buffer between your teen and the individual tormenting him or her. Should you learn of a physical altercation, seriously consider pursuing legal action against the perpetrator, and if you have to follow this course of action, do not expect your teen to support or understand it."

A teen who would like to leave his or her partner but does not out of fear of the partner’s reaction is probably ensnared in an abusive relationship. Leaving abusive relationships is very difficult and sometimes dangerous, but with support of others, it can be done.

Have a plan for how to sever the relationship, and to minimize contact in person, by phone and online. Friends and parents can play a key role in keeping an abusive partner from becoming an ongoing problem in a young person’s life. “Teen love does not have to hurt,” adds Dr. Amunategui. “If a partner violates your child’s privacy in any way, demeans her or actively attempts to keep her from associating with whom she chooses, advise her to leave now.”